#009 - discovering matrescence
+ stripes that are worth the hype...
Since my last newsletter, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Pippa… I am now a mum. This sentence holds so much more weight to me than I anticipated it would, and not because of the ‘mum’ part, but the ‘gave birth’ part. It is the most wild concept that my body produced, and exported, a whole new, tiny individual and brought her into the world. Since Pip’s birth in August, I have been grappling to come to terms with the magnitude of the situation, often finding myself staring at her and thinking back to the birthing suite and how she is now a whole part of existence. She now, simply, exists.
During my late night nursing sessions, I often go down first time mum spirals on the internet, reading all sorts of articles, watching all kinds of TikToks and scrolling on social media. During one of these deep dives is when I stumbled upon, and read, an article in the New York Times in which the reproductive psychiatrist Alexandra Sacks described the process of becoming a mother using a term I’d never heard before: matrescence. “Research is focused on how the baby turns out,” Sacks wrote. “But a woman’s story, in addition to how her psychology impacts her parenting, is important to examine, too.” It was titled “The birth of a mother”, and I felt that deeply in my bones. I went from one person, to being two, and then back to one, now with a forever plus one.
I always thought of myself as the kind of woman that wouldn’t harp on about being a mother - who wouldn’t tie my entire identity up in being a mother, consuming content mothers would consume, only talking about motherhood and making it a cornerstone of my personality. Why did I make this such an anchor of my journey into motherhood? This reluctance to fall forward into the concept of motherhood has only made it that much more difficult to navigate. And why in the past did I see this as a lesser thing? Why is this a situation that I want to actively avoid? Is it internalised misogyny, or pre-conceived ideas around motherhood being the less noble path to that of pursuing a successful career? I can’t help but scoff at this former self now, understanding now the concept of matrescence, and I can’t help but think if it was more of a mainstream idea, my past ideologies would be less common. Because motherhood is truly transformative, but not in the ways I expected.
Since having a child, I’ve even noticed I smell different. I’ve now learned this is thanks to the pheromones in my body changing to attract my baby. I am more hyper vigilant around other peoples children, I have vivid dreams about keeping my daughter safe from dangers as I steal patches of sleep during the night, and my body physically responds when we are separated. I truly feel that I went into that birthing suite as me, and I came out as someone completely different. And that isn’t easy to digest.
In the months that have passed since, I realise I didn’t fully understand what motherhood would do to my body and my mind. My body certainly doesn’t feel like my own anymore, but more like I have been taken apart and re-assambled in some secret, mystical way that I can’t entirely explain. That is what matrescence summarises I guess. The biological, physical and emotional shift of becoming a mother. I was always under the impression that becoming a mother is something that we simply do, a choice we make and a journey we embark on. Now I am beginning to understand that it is something that happens to you, with little to no control.
Perhaps the most unexpected struggle that I am experiencing is the expectation (particularly the one faced in Western Culture and Australia) to ‘bounce back’. Friends, well-meaning family, social media — they all come at you how to get your body back after having a baby, and how to feel like yourself again. But what is feeling myself again if 'myself’ has fundamentally changed? Even if my body can return to its former state (a concept I remain unconvinced of), my mind and soul has gone through a transformation I am unable to deny. I’ve been doing further reading on some studies that reveal motherhood quite literally rewires the brain, enhancing bonding, but challenging pre-existing personal identity. With this evidence out there, isn’t it wild that we expect women to walk out of hospital after giving birth to a literal brand new human being, and return to their pre-existing lives? I truly believe that our society lacks rituals or acknowledgement of these changes, expecting mothers to navigate this enormous transformation while seamlessly retaining their independence.
I’ve already returned to work (something many fellow female business owners will relate to), but I now have a new relationship with time. I now know its worth as it ticks by, while holding Pip, or savouring those quiet moments with her sleeping in my arms. Work now exists as a break from motherhood, not the other way around. I never saw that coming. I always imagined that to succeed professionally, motherhood must be downplayed, that maternal experiences are secondary to my career and should be treated as such. I am not even three months in, and already, these heightened expectations of being a ‘modern mother’ that can easily juggle my care work with my career has brought a new level of intensity to life that I remain unsure how to navigate.
I am loving motherhood. None of the above is to say I am not adoring it, and I feel that I have been lucky to (so far) avoid any post-partum depression or anxiety. My mental health is stronger than it was when I was pregnant, in fact. I am having bundles and bundles of fun getting to know this little creature who lived inside my belly for nine months. I have no clue what I am doing, but I’m following her lead. We’re figuring it out together, because we’re both new to this. When I was learning to breastfeed in the hospital, one of the midwives showed me the ‘baby-led’ approach, where you put your baby on your chest and let them wriggle their way down to your nipple and latch. I have pretty much made that approach the blueprint for parenting, letting her show me the world through her eyes.
I used to think of motherhood as mundane, or uninspiring, and it absolutely can be mundane and monotonous and it can often feel like Ground Hog Day. But within it, I am also finding new forms of expression and learning. I am asking myself questions on topics that I haven’t thought about in years, opening up doors out of curiousity that have remained closed since my own childhood, and I am learning to see beauty in the quiet moments. Often when I am nursing, I forget my phone, and am forced to sit in silence with my girl, free of distractions. I’m learning to lean into this discomfort and soak it all in.
The whole journey has shown me that there is a power in motherhood that we rarely acknowledge on a mainstream scale — and we can take that power into every other facet of our life. I’ve only been doing this for three months, and people will probably read this and think ‘what does she know?’… but isn’t that the beauty in it? Maybe I will look back in a year and think the same thing about myself. We are always moving, always changing, always transforming. Maybe it’s impossible to capture the transformation in something as simple as words. Maybe, language itself might not be quite up for the task. It’s indescribable.
Kinda obsessed with reading…
My month in books, and what I thought:
God Of The Woods by Liz Moore — 3/5, I really loved the writing of this book and it explored some amazing themes but the ending just didn’t quite hit home. Definitely still recommend for anyone who loves literary fiction with a thriller-esque pace.
Lies & Weddings by Kevin Kwan — 3.5/5, I love the universe building that Kevin Kwan does in his books. He’s the author behind Crazy Rich Asians for anyone who might recognise the name. The worlds he creates are so OTT, and it’s a pleasure to exist in them for a little while.
The Wrong Woman by JP Pomare — 2/5, this was just fine. A good page turner if you happen to stumble across it somewhere.
I Hope This Finds You Well by Natalie Sue — 4/5, I inhaled this. It was so clever and witty and well written and I just love corporate satire.
I should mention, when I say My October Library, I started some of those books prior to Pip being born. I just finished them in October…
Also on my TBR:
The new Zoe Foster Blake novel, Things Will Calm Down Soon (a title that resonates with me and probably the majority of women that I know)
The Chairman’s Lounge, which I saw promoted on Leigh Sales IG story this morning and anything she recommends generally goes down well with me. The PR campaign has obviously kicked off a massive media blitz with the whole Albo taking upgrades on QANTAS narrative that’s been making headlines this week too… so that’s certainly an added interest point for me as a publicist.
Our Wives Under The Sea is a thriller / spooky novel that has been on my list for ages, and I usually like to read a horror-aligned story around Halloween. I am obviously running a little behind this year, but I love horror novels all year round.
All I Ever Wanted Was To Be Hot by Lucinda (Froomes) Price. To be honest, I wasn’t that interested in reading this when I first heard about it, but the PR campaign has been absolutely stellar, and I have also heard incredible reviews so I think this will be a summer holiday read.
PS — if you’re a big reader, follow me on Goodreads here! I log every single book I read (as well as audiobooks I listen to… don’t @ me). I love seeing what other people read too so please add me so I can get even more inspo!
Kinda obsessed with purchasing…
Stripes have well and truly taken over our homes, social media feeds and shopping centres lately, and I frankly couldn’t be more stoked about it. I have always loved a loud pattern, and stripes have always been the OG pattern when it comes to design. I’ve pulled together a guide of stripes that live up to the hype (and that might also make excellent Christmas gifts).
Business & Pleasure Co love seat — ok, so probably a little pricey for a Christmas gift straight off the bat but all I want to do is curl up on this seat with a good book and a strong Paloma and let the afternoon wash over me.
Pillow Talk cushion — I have very very similiar cushions to this one that I purchased when I bought my house almost four years ago, and they were about four times the price of these ones. I recently bought some cushions from Pillow Talk and the quality is FABULOUS. My four year old ones are looking a little ratty, so thinking I will replace them with these bad boys when I have a chance.
Bonnie & Neil Christmas stocking — it’s my first Christmas as a mum and honestly, I am so excited I could burst. I love Christmas. I love getting together with the family, I love champagne, I love giving gifts. I will be putting my Christmas tree up disgustingly early this year (sue me) and I am looking for the perfect Christmas stockings to customise for my family. This one has just gone straight to the top of that list.
Eau Bags striped bag — I have a very similiar bag to this that I use often as our nappy bag and I couldn’t love it more. The brand that I have is a UK based brand (just because they had a colour way I was more into) but I would rather promote a small Aussie biz, and Eau Bags is just that. Anything from their range is the ULTIMATE Christmas gift at such a good price point.
Sveva’s Home plate set — it’s my dream in life to have bundles and bundles of different matching plate sets and dining wear for many dinner parties that can span a range of different styles. If I won the lottery, you’d find these in my kitchen drawers.
Hommey socks — the lovely Ava at Lidos Boutique sent me these socks as an apology for a very minor order mix up recently and I have been living in them. If you’re in Brissy and yet to check out Lidos in West End, consider this sign to do so.
Ganni shorts — enough said.
Christmas gifting (and gifting in general) is one of my favourite things to do, so I’m going to be doing a whole comprehensive gift guide for my next newsletter. If there’s particular categories you want me to cover, send me a DM on Insta!
Kinda obsessed with listening…
A recent stay at the stunning Halcyon House (in Cabarita) shot right to the top of my ‘core memories’ list. The venue is honestly so beautiful, and evokes a real feeling of calm and relaxation. So much so, that my husband and I are going to try and have an annual stay each year. Part of what contributes to the holistic feeling of ease at the hotel? The music, which is curated by Niki De Saint. They have their playlists on Spotify, and this is the one I have been pumping most lately.
A recent mood board…
I shared one of my virtual mood boards in my last newsletter, I got good feedback… so here’s a new one to finish up today’s newsletter. We recently put a pool in our backyard (the best thing ever) and so summer vibes are big on my current musings. The inspo behind this one — salty fingertips from eating hot chips and fried calamari, icy cold beers in fraying stubby coolers picked up from here, there and everywhere, gently freckled noses and the smell of fake coconut mixed with sunscreen. Heaven on earth.
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and with that, friends, I’ll see you next time.
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